got a haircut in the city. astor place haircutters. supposedly one of the best places in manhattan for haircuts under 20 dollars. I told my parents I got it in the staten island mall. like I'd ever get it from the bottom rung of haircut places. actually, they aren't that bad. theyre good for custom haircuts and they are still better than all nearby local places. I hate getting my haircut from high schoolers and highschool dropouts. hopefully never again. ill probably go again if I'm particularly lazy one day. I realize I may have created a horrible reputation for myself. it's probably why noone likes me anymore. I'm seen as a poser. noone talks to me. my cousin got yelled at by her father for talking to me so much. I don't mind being alone so much. I made independent plans with some freinds in to hang out in the city. all girls. I feel better about this. mari lives in brooklyn now. she has her own place and is a spanish teacher. I'll try to visit veronica at her house on thursday after my doctor's appointment. I'm interested in Ayreon again. I feel like I'm in high school again. I might try wearing some metal shirts again. If I can find some left. They seem to be missing. All of them. I miss my Kamelot one the most. I even miss my fake Iron Maiden one. I explained everything to kt. I hope she appreciates it. I think she's not really the forgiving type. veronica said she would. at least she doesn't hate me anymore. I actually think I sounded like an idiot leaving that voicemail. I laughed too much. still, I'm glad I did it. I feel like I got that load off my chest. It would have come out much cleaner via email. I miss talking to her. what happened to all the really attractive girls? do they all go to Ivy league schools? F.I.T. girls are pretty hot, and lack alot of male contact. It's an entire school of attractive, really creative, eligible girls. they all probably go to the same bars, all near the school. I have a plan, once I save some more money, to try to pick up girls around that neighborhood, right near the F.I.T. dorms. i probably won't rejection is too embarassing. I hate going home alone late at night. I'm far too busy anyway. I sort of regret missing Kreator. I shouldn't have wasted those tickets, I should have given them to spencer and caitlin that day. that would have scored me some brownie points. I was such a wreck that day. i still need to see metallica, kreator, iced earth, and a few other bands. then I can die happy. I want to see fireball ministry again. I'd like to see if they are still so crazy live. they were great the last time I saw them. great stage presence. "this isn't fucking YELLOWCARD". or something. I'm paraphrasing again. "when did I become like my grandparents and start diluting my cranberry juice?" hahaha. still makes me laugh. I happen to have cranberry juice. it's the only drink in my house. I never knew my grandparents. 3 died when I was too young to remember and my father's grandmother didn't speak any english. she died from complications of diabetes not too long ago. like 2003 or so. I stubbed my toe pretty bad the other day. its getting better but theres alot of dried blood surrounding it. My grandfather on my mother's side apparently killed himself. I found out when I was in the hospital. neither of my parents nor my older sister will tell me how. I didn't ask my mother, that'd be quite awkward and insensitive. My dad said "he died in the ocean". or the water. somehow I don't believe that. he seemed like he was lying, although I guess it is feasible. I think he did it because he had been depressed for a very long time. at least 10, maybe 15 years. My grandmother died in childbirth when my mother was a very young girl, and he loved her very much. so much so that he never remarried, which isn't hard for even a man his age and wealth. it's even expected and an american citizen to boot. he must have loved her more than anyone realized. its very sweet and very tragic. I think he waited until all of his children were married and taken care of. I think he had been planning it for a very long time. My grandfather on my father's side apparently died at an unfortunatly young age. in his 60s. this does not bode well for my father. although my father is in relatively good shape, and he eats very healthy food. i don't know what my mother will do without him. soon we'll all be moving on. well, maybe not my sister, and it is quite a few years away for me, as well as for my brother to graduate and move out. who knows, he's moved out before, maybe he will find a friend for a roommate and move on like the rest of us. our family dog is not well. my mother loves her so much, but there is nothing we can do for her right now. hopefully we'll take her to the vet soon. she can't stand without falling over and she twitches. and she's not eating, presumably because she is in so much pain. whats most unusual is she lets my sister and me carry her and pet her. I think she knows she is in trouble. she's a small yorkie, about 7 or 8 pounds, her name is lacie, and she is about 11 years old. my mom says she doesn't want a new dog when lacie dies. I think she'll eventually move on she has to. I just know she'll be a wreck when that happens. when any of us moves, leaves, or god forbid dies, I don't know what will happen to her. I'm so worried sometimes. yesterday was her 53rd birthday. she made a turkey, some arabic cassarole thing and we had cake. my dad took her to macys or jcpenny and bought her about 14 dresses. she's at work right now, beinga  special education teacher at hungerford. I still can't believe she got her masters before I did. I'm happy life worked out perfectly for her. life seems perfect for her right now and she seems happy. poget might fire me. that would hurt but I guess that would just mean more days to work for the para job this semester. I think he's too nice of a guy to do that, and I still have time to prove myself. I don't know whats going to happen with my life. I hope everything works out. i have faith.
Regards,
Matthew Emsak 

I'm doing ok today. I've been trying to be social. I offered to take spencer to a strip club to cheer him up some. he didn't take to the idea. I've talked to a few people today about SOPA. poget emailed the whole lab team about coming in tomorrow and presenting our lab data in an informal presentation. I should do fine. Of course this means I'd have to give up another day of work but thats fine. I'll get around to working. My teeth still hurt. my dentist is useless. I may need some chinese food. chinese food is fairly healthy in my mind. its mainly vegetables, at least when considering the food I order. I wonder why andrew doesn't like most chinese food. from what I remember he is such a particular eater. who doesn't like chinese food? there are only a few foods I gag when eating. the first one and most dreaded food I hate is eggplant of any form. well, except eggplant parmisian sometimes, but only if the sauce is very light and the cheese is very heavy which is never how my mother makes it. the next is linguinni. I just can't eat it. I throw up every time. I do well with spagetti. its something to do with the cut of the pasta I think which doesn't really make sense but I just can't explain it. maybe its a psychological thing. maybe I had a bad experiance with linguinni as a kid. I wish I could eat it, but I can't. The next is feta cheese, which unfortunately is a stable in every fucking arabic meal. I don't think I need to explain why this wretched crumbly salty shitpile is inedible. I've started reading maddox again lately. I haven't since high school but his articles have once again started to pick up speed. his rant on sasha grey is hilarious and his rant on math makes me feel a little bad inside but also a little good too. this is what life is about. simple pleasures. I think it was denis leary who said something like its a cookie or a cigarette or any little joy that makes life worth living. or something. I'm paraphrasing. My insecurities will be the death of me. some things aren't worth talking about. I just don't have much else to say really. there is so much to talk about on that subject. pete would love it. I hear he is happy being a pharmacy technician at cvs and he enjoys his supposedly delightful girlfriend. cute as a button. the people at the csi library are becoming sparse by the minute. ah winter classes. I almost took a winter class. either physical geology and physical geology lab or xray and electron microscopy. both have supposedly very reasonable professors according to ratemyprofessors. in the end I decided I couldn't afford it. And I needed to work this month to save my job. plus I don't need the stress of condensed classes. I thought summer classes were bad enough. I need an iced tea. I think the vending machine has a fine selection of drinks for only a buck. I should get a drink and be on my way. time for the dreaded bus ride home and the agonzing boredom of my house. kill me.

Regards,

Matthew Emsak